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opinion | DOI: https://doi.org/10.31579/2642-973X/090
Research Center for Psychotherapy St. Petersburg, Russia
*Corresponding Author: V. Stepanenko, Research Center for Psychotherapy St. Petersburg, Russia
Citation: V. Stepanenko, (2024), Children and Parents. J. Brain and Neurological Disorders. 7(1): 10.31579/2642-973X/090
Copyright: © 2024, V. Stepanenko. This is an open-access article distributed under the terms of The Creative Commons Attribution License, which
permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original author and source are credited.
Received: 13 December 2023 | Accepted: 21 December 2023 | Published: 02 January 2024
Keywords:
Today we know that a child is born with a kind of development program fixed in his genetic code. And this is not only his height and body weight, hair and eye color, but also the main characteristics of his personality.And, not only a set of hereditary traits determines human behavior in the future, but the influence of parents and the environment. Life begins from the first months of the child's intrauterine development, and the first years of his life have a decisive influence on him. Usually we do not remember anything about the years of our early development, and only some fragments come to our consciousness from an earlier period. Many people have coherent memories starting at the age of five or seven, and the forgotten years are very important to us. At this time, we mastered the first words, learned to understand speech, walk, sit, acquire neatness skills, and assimilate the first principles of human relations [1]. And a cloudless, happy childhood, not burdened with any worries, turned out to be a very dramatic and difficult period - a period of unsatisfied desires, unpredictable influences, a period when adults and everything around them appeared to be an uncontrollable formidable force, before which the baby looked completely defenseless. The very fact of forgetting early childhood experiences 3. Freud considered it proof that they are traumatic for us, and therefore undergo elimination - displacement from consciousness. Indeed, in the psychoanalysis of patients with neuroses, it is often possible to find out that the roots of their mental disorder are laid in early childhood. We are interested in this primarily because the cause of family conflicts may be similar conflicts of early childhood. We believe that in early childhood a peculiar scenario of further human behavior is laid, calling this period the programming period - "scenario programming". Even during the feeding period, the position of the mother, the words that she says to the child, are of great importance. In the future, the relationship between mother and child becomes more complicated. Will the mother admire the child or push him away from her? Will he set an example for other children or, conversely, set other children as an example for him? Will the child become a "prince" or an "outcast", having a program to achieve goals and success at any cost? Already in early childhood, a life position is being developed! The first type: I'm fine, and you're fine. This is the position of an optimist who wants to work and who realizes his opportunities among other people. The second type: I'm fine, but you're not. This is the position of a narcissistic, uncritical person who remains a petted child for life, making other people responsible for all their failures. The third type: everything is bad for me, but everything is good for you. This is the position of a person who, on the one hand, envies others, experiences his own inferiority, on the other – is doomed to work all his life not to earn bread or have fun, is doomed to love not because he is in love, but in order to prove to himself and others that he is the same A man, like everyone else, is not as bad as he thinks he is. The fourth type: you are bad and I am bad. This is the most unconstructive position from which a person comes into the world. He is full of internal conflicts, prone to depression, and sometimes to more serious mental illnesses. The following points are important in the life of every child when "programming a script": the so called scenario push, like this or that remark of the mother or father, as it were, determines its further development. For example, if one of the parents in a fit of anger shouts to the child: "Disappear" or "May you fail", this is an indication of the nature of the child's death. When the mother says: "You'll end up like your father," and if your father is an alcoholic, that's a sentence for life. I consider such statements to be a scenario outcome or a "curse". In addition, parents give instructions-warnings that are designed to remove the "curse" from the child. It's a way to avoid the trouble they're telling him about. example: "Don't cry, don't be naughty, leave your father alone," "Don't bother your mother," "Be more modest," etc. Sometimes parents give instructions encouraging the child's behavior: "That's how you behave, you're good, keep sitting still, finally you've taken up mind." In addition, they give instructions on how to fill the time waiting for action. Sometimes these prescriptions are in the nature of moral maxims. The seemingly simple words that we hear in childhood can determine our entire future behavior [2].
What I call scenario programming in the spirit of the time, people have been calling education for centuries. When describing different types of parenting, scientists often use the adjective "wrong". Obviously, it's not easy to define what proper parenting is and come to an agreement about it... Every detail causes discussion, even the requirement to bring up honesty in a child is sometimes criticized on the pages of the press, because a as a result, the child turns out to be "unsuitable for life." Is it possible to punish a child, and if so, how? Are contradictions in educational methods on the part of the father, mother, grandparents acceptable? - all educators should adhere to the same principles and forms of education. It is much easier to talk about improper upbringing. Firstly, all the extreme, deviant forms of it are always more clearly defined and easier to describe. Secondly, it is easier to understand the "wrongness" of education based on its results - the formation of a "broken" character, the appearance of insurmountable difficulties when trying to adapt to society [3]. The two extreme poles of improper upbringing are hyperprotection (increased guardianship) and hypoprotection (insufficient guardianship, neglect). An overprotected child comes into independent life moody, demanding, unable to make independent decisions, take responsibility for his own failures. The basic principle of such a person's behavior is, firstly, never to do anything at your own risk, to demand custody and care from others and, finally, to hold others responsible for failures. The desire to get what you want "here and now", without caring about the possible consequences of your actions, is quite typical for such people. In marriage, people raised in the spirit of hyper protection will show two opposite tendencies: the desire to command and at the same time increased dependence on their partner and their own parents. It is the former overprotected children who maintain close ties with their parents, being respectable fathers and mothers of families, which is fraught with serious conflicts. But, if the marriage partner has strong parental traits, then the marriage may turn out to be stable, although "not cloudless."
Conclusion
As experts in this field, we identify several options for increased guardianship: indulgent hyperprotection, dominant hyperprotection, education in the spirit of increased moral responsibility. Indulgent hyperprotection - upbringing according to the "idol of the family" type Dominant hyperprotection is the suppression of any manifestations of independent activity of the child: all decisions are made for him, his hobbies, his friends do not belong to him, but to his parents. They chose who the child should be friends with, which club or sports section he should attend, which books he should read and which movies he should watch, what he should admire and what he should neglect. Naturally, the desire of parents to impose on their child the choice of a marriage partner... Upbringing in the spirit of increased moral responsibility is accompanied by a constant reminder to the child that he is growing up in a "decent family" and this imposes certain responsibilities on him. He cannot play pranks, frolic, get bad grades, as this "casts a shadow on the father and mother". Love for a child in such a family is not a natural feeling of parents. A child should earn the love of his mother or father by his exemplary behavior and high achievements. "What did you do to get me to buy it for you?" - a kind of motto of such upbringing. Sometimes the slogan is a popular saying: "Not us, but our children" [1]. Parents who have not realized themselves in life constantly remind the child that he is simply obliged to take the position in life that they dreamed of taking. "I had such brilliant abilities in mathematics, but I couldn't study because of the difficult situation of the family, and you..." It never occurs to parents that their childhood dreams and plans may not coincide with the desires of the child... "So that the heart lights up, so that everyone wants to catch up and overtake the fathers..." The song is good, optimistic, but its meaning is sad enough, because children's lives are seen as a race, while you need to run exactly the same path as your father. The more responsible the position that the parents take, the more difficult it is for the child.
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